isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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