he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
