Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
