There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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