THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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