He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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