This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
