apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There's always time for handjobs
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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