I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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