Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
