had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize