Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
