Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
