my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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