a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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