God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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