Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
