My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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