Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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