K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It was confusing and full of hummus
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
