wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
