Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
