that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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