We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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