So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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