she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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