Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
