Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize