I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
