I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
