M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
