Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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