Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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