Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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