note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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