Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
