I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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