my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
