we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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