whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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