I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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