I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
