The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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