I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
