i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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