I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
