I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize