Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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