I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
