i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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