I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
