True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sorry about my life...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
