I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize