My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
