My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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