3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
