Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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