Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
