I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
