Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
