I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize