Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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