He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
