If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
