You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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